Empty Nest With Me

Changing my mindset

· An Empty Nest does not have to mean an Empty Heart... ·

January 21, 2019 16 Comments

You have the Power within you to change your mindset, YOU just have to take action...JUST DO IT!

I had lost my zest for life. I felt powerless and unmotivated to pull myself out of my slump. I was a weepy cry-baby. If you feel this way too, you’re not alone.  This is an epidemic and Empty Nesters, specifically, are hit with this feeling like a ton of bricks but this advice works for everyone at any age.

My sweet friends…You can break free from this isolated feeling.  You just have to take action!

I’m here to tell you that you can absolutely, positively change.

The Inspiration to change is everywhere.  Free Life coaching advice is all over the internet and it is so easily accessible. 

Don’t stay stuck!

Inspirational women are out there and their goal is to help us improve our lives. Tune in.

Everything I read lately is about changing your mindset. From Louise Hay, (love her) to Mel Robbins, (love her too!) …the idea of breaking the habits of negative thought is the game changer. It’s working for so many, including me.  I feel like everything I pick up to read is about this very topic. 

I wonder if the fact that I keep seeing this topic has something to do with the Law of Attraction:  I need it, I think about it and therefore the subject pops up for me everywhere!   Hmmmmm…..

                                                      

I see this picture and remember the sadness. Rex tried to cheer me up!

My mind-set most certainly needed changing.  Without knowing it, I had slipped into a repetitive thought pattern of I DON’T MATTER ANYMORE.  I don’t know exactly where it came from and it slowly crept up on me.  I think that many of my life experiences had pointed me in that direction and without knowing it, I bought into it and the sadness grew.  Having an empty nest was certainly part of it.  I don’t know about you but, although I always had a career in my life, my family was my absolute primary focus.  I spent most of my early life fantasizing about feathering my nest and raising my little birdies and I could not have enjoyed the process any more than I did.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses but even in the tough times, I never wanted to do anything else or be anywhere else but with my kids.  So, when the kids were officially out of the house, I felt lost, to say the least.

I’m still very close to my kids, we talk often, and they come for holidays and several visits a year…and that is so amazing, but, I think the kicker for me was I no longer felt needed.  It was the time in my life that I was supposed to focus on me and, quite frankly, I just didn’t want to.  I didn’t know how to.   I was not comfortable with it. As mothers, we put our families first.  It’s easy to focus on everyone else.  We want to focus on everyone else…It is hard-wired into our hearts… Our maternal instinct.

I would go so far as to say that I had no idea how to be me when I wasn’t being a mother.  I believe I was the quintessential example of a bona fide identity crisis! 

Intellectually, I knew I was much more than a mother.  I had successful careers in my life, I had many hobbies that I was very good at and I was a loving wife.  I also cared for my sweet mom in my home.  Still, none of that had any meaning when my nest was empty.  All the things I loved to do, were pointed toward my kids.

As I reflect on this, an example comes to mind: I love to throw big parties.  Truth be told, I love to create the party more than I actually like attending.  I love to entertain people with unique ideas, beautiful decorations and fantastically fun foods.  But as I’m creating the ideas, my kids are in my head.  Would Chloe like this cocktail?  Would Gavin like this game.  Would Sophia call me “Extra”?  I truly wanted all of my guests to love their experience, but the kids dominated my brain.

True confessions…I needed to get a freaking life!

So, my quest was to find and/or create meaning in my life, sans the kids.  I mean, the poor things have their own lives to live they can’t be responsible for mom’s happiness!

It was time to get out of my sadness slump!

If any of you, my friends, are in a slump, if you feel a tad depressed or directionless like I did, let me shout from the mountain tops…YOU HAVE THE POWER TO FIX THIS!

There’s science behind this…The fancy word for it is…Neuroplasticity

Here’s my layman’s (laywoman’s?) way of describing it:

  • The act of thinking starts a chemical reaction in the brain.  Your positive thoughts trigger certain chemicals and negative thoughts trigger others.  Like a stream of water…as you open the flood gates the water flows and carves its way toward a pool of water: your thoughts being the stream and the pool being the desirable mindset.
  • The more you think and behave in a certain way, the faster your mind takes that path…there is less resistance.  Much like that stream carving it’s way to the pond…the more it flows, the wider the stream gets as it moves rocks and debris out of its way. This causes the pool to become a pond. When that pond, i.e. your mindset, is full, it will spill into the world around you and not only fill your pond but the pond of your neighbors and even your town, your community and the world.  You get the idea!
  • Now that you have one stream flowing and growing, add more streams.  Point all of your streams in the right direction. The more streams that are flowing into that pond, the bigger and better that pond will get.  Align all of your thoughts toward the goal or mindset that you desire and they will continue to fill up and grow faster and faster.

To implement this idea into your world, here are your 5 steps to take action.

With your goal or desire in mind think about the following:

  1. TAKE A MENTAL NOTE of your current beliefs and mindset about creating your project or accomplishing your goal.  Focus on all of the positive thoughts you have about making this happen.  Nurture those positive encouraging thoughts and let all negative thoughts vanish. Truly believe that you can and will succeed.
  2. FEEL the positive emotions created by the thoughts of succeeding.  Embrace those thoughts.  Physically smile as you picture the act of working toward your passion, enjoying the process of creating this beautiful project that speaks to your soul.
  3. PICTURE your success and what your daily behavior and activities of accomplishing your goal will look like. It is said that the brain does not detect the difference between real and imaginary.  So, trick your brain!  Let the positive imagery flow from that stream and into that big beautiful pond.
  4. TAKE ACTION  Do the things you imagine.  Sit down and write.  Research your topics. Find inspiration from others. Learn all you can.  Do something every day.  You can’t just think it…thinking it is important but physical action is required.
  5. KEEP GOING  You must continue this practice every day in order to rewire your brain.  You do have the power.  It is all within you, but you must keep practicing.  Never stop.  As you keep up your practice your stream will grow and will turn into a river and your pond will fill-up and become the most beautiful lake your heart could desire and that beautiful lake will flow and grow and spread your love into the world. 

Take Tiny steps…I know that for me, tiny steps are crucial.  When I get excited about something.  I start to think of the millions of things I want and need to do.  Then, I get overwhelmed and think that if I’m not going to do this perfectly, I’m not going to do it. I take a nose dive into paralyzing-perfectionism. It’s important to think of the baby steps you can take to work toward your change.

I’ll share one example of how I implemented this practice into my life.

My mindset about my physical shape was that I’m over the hill. I convinced myself that this is what my body was going to be from now on.  And even though I couldn’t stand the way my clothes fit and my back was aching, I just accepted this as, “Oh well, I’m getting old!”  Then I saw an old friend inspiring others with her incredible physical health. I mean, she seriously had the physical form and strength of a teenager!  I initially thought, I could never be in that great of shape.  But, you know what friends? If I really wanted it, I could be in that great of shape and so could you…if you cared to. 

The secret is…just do it!  It is truly as simple as that.  We all know what to do, and in the case of my physical health, I know I should eat less and move more.  So, my initial thought was to starve myself and work out every free moment!  HA…that’s my crazy obsessive nature coming through.  However, when I calmed down, got real and got away from the “all or nothing” crazy mindset, I decided to commit to doing yoga every day and cut out bread from my diet.  2 baby steps.  (And you might say that yoga is not a small or inexpensive baby step…but it really is if you go to YouTube, search for Dedicate yoga with Adriene, slip into your stretchies and do it in your living room!)  It is absolutely do-able.  No excuses.

Do…or do not. There is no try.  

Yoda

Here’s the happy clincher.  Sometimes at the end of my home yoga practice, when sweet, amazing Adriene says, “Namaste”, I get weepy.  I’m so proud of myself.  The emotions that well-up in me are surprising.  The first thoughts that popped into my mind when I finished the first day were,

“I AM worth it.  I DO matter.”

So to recap, here’s how I changed my mindset about something I wanted to change about myself. 

I thought about my goal: Improving my physical health. I took note of my thoughts about accomplishing this goal.  I noticed that I felt empowered to exercise because exercise can be done without anything fancy. It’s just movement and I can move!

Making the choice to take even the smallest of steps toward my goal made me feel excited and giddy. I took note of the way I felt;

Empowered. In charge of my destiny. 

I physically felt my heart swell and my adrenaline pumping.  Good stuff!  I focused on this positive energy that I was creating within myself.  I relished in the revelation that I was creating this feeling.  No caffeine, no happy pills, no wine, no life coaches, no seeking of validation from others…it was all me!  Empowered!

More happiness pumped through my soul. Then, I thought about how great I would feel if my muffin-top stopped causing me to buy big frumpy shirts and my boobs stopped feeling like a shelf under my chin.

I pictured the new, physically healthy me.  I pictured my yoga practice and saw my graceful transitions from plank to downward dog to three-legged dog. I imagined myself doing the very difficult Pungu Mayurasana without actually becoming a wounded peacock.  In my imagination, I was poetry in motion.  And, my brain had no idea that I was just imagining it!

Just for the record…not sure if I’ll ever do the Pungu Mayurasana  aka wounded peacock. My wrist would most likely snap right in half, not to mention developing a giant muscle cramp in my left bum…but I can dream can’t I?

Next, I took action.

Every day turned on YouTube and found the very adorable and amazing Yoga with Adriene.   I vowed to join her and her dog, Benji every day in the comfort of my little space in the bedroom. 

I rolled out my yoga mat, lit some candles, put on my Lululemons and locked up my pups, since they were nowhere near ready to behave in the civilized fashion of sweet Benji. (Note wrestling session on my lap while Benji quietly practices child’s pose.)

I call this Homage to the Hounds. Peaceful candles surrounded by chewed dog toys.

And I practiced my yoga very seriously.  I wholeheartedly embraced all the spiritual and loving words that Adriene expressed.   I listened carefully to how I was to place each and every part of my body and I fully embraced my practice.  It was truly magical.

And…I kept going.  Sometimes my husband, Dave joins me.  And I love this, but it doesn’t matter if he does or does not.  My practice is my own.  I don’t count on a gym partner.  I don’t allow myself to get distracted with worry about who I should be taking care of at the moment.  Those are all excuses.  I dedicate my time to me for my lovely home yoga practice and my life has improved for the better, forever. 

So sweet friends, taking the important steps to change my mind set, changed my life.  I now feel empowered to change so many aspects of who I am and who I will become.  It is my year to purge the old, transform and grow into the exact me that I want to be AND… You can do it too!

Is there something you want to change? Purge?  Start? Create?  If you want it, you can do it.  I believe in you. 

Let’s join together and do this. Let’s embrace this sisterhood and share our hopes and dreams with each other.  I’m sending positive loving thoughts into the universe for you and hope that your pond will grow into the beautiful lake of your dreams!

Let me know how you’re doing. How are you feeling? Are you just coping or are you thriving?

BELIEVE!!!  Xoxo Jill

February 23, 2019

16 Comments

  1. Reply

    Sharon Stafford

    March 31, 2019

    Love this Jill! It’s all about changing a mindset…no easy task but a worthy goal! I will be following your lead in these years of empty nesting! xoxo Sharon

    • Reply

      Jill

      March 31, 2019

      Thank you Sharon!I’ve found that it takes discipline to stay on it. Our habits are so hard wired and it is truly a practice to keep up with the new good habit patterns. I’m still working at it. Trying not to slip up! xoxo

  2. Reply

    Ella

    April 22, 2019

    Momma Jill, this is the 2nd.. i mean 3rd that you have made me cry today.. but thats okey.. its just, the first part.. made me thought of my mom so much.. am again reminded of how great a person she is despite.. hmmm …😊 and i love this.. its very motivating really.. it’s just what i need right now.. am in a slump and i realize that im always going in circles.. i get motivations, go with my plans and somehow along the way, i just kinda stop.. i never really kept going.. but.. i promise to do your 5 steps.. hmmm.. i’ll probably print it out and post it on somewhere i can always see too to be reminded everyday..

    • Reply

      Jill

      April 22, 2019

      Ella…I love this! The first step is deciding to make the change. Also, use the Mel Robbins 5-second rule. Look it up on youtube and follow it. Super simple but very affective. You’ve got this! I will be cheering you on. Keep me posted on your progress.
      Sending lots of love your way. xoxo Momma Jill

  3. Reply

    Cameron Ireland

    April 26, 2019

    Jill,
    I relate to this so much! I’m so glad I found this post, we have so much in common despite me being a 20 year old college student 🙂 I love yoga myself and have also tried Adriene’s videos, she really knows how to make you feel welcome, have you tried hot yoga? It might sound intimidating but I swear I feel reborn after lol. Anyways, this post really helped me, I’ve been struggling to find hobbies I am truly passionate about, I love to cook, I like to exercise, among many other things but seem to be lacking in inspiration and motivation recently. Like you, I get excited about new things and start to think of alllll the steps it is going to take, I recently decided I finally want to pursue my dream of starting a youtube channel and I’m trying my best to not let MY crazy obsessive nature peak through, ha ha! I hope to have a camera and get everything going by July, thank you for the motivational post I needed, it really gave me the push I needed.
    All the love!,
    Cameron Ireland

    • Reply

      Jill

      April 26, 2019

      Hi Cameron!

      I have tried hot yoga and I didn’t do too great. I don’t do well with any kind of heat. It makes my heart race and I feel nauseous! I think this old gal will have to stick with cool yoga in the comfort of my own home with the pups licking my face…haha!

      I hope you will go for it on your You Tube channel. You’ll never know if you can succeed at it until you try. And even if it turns out that its not for you, trying new things is always worth the effort. You learn so much about yourself and that is always a good thing. It feels so great to work toward a passion. Somehow it makes everything else in life a lot better too. I’m not sure if I mentioned Mel Robbins, Mindset Reset, to you. If not, go search that on youtube. She is so great and if you listen to a bit a day, it could keep you on track of pushing through your hesitations. Keep me posted. Lots of love to you, Cameron. xoxo Jill

  4. Reply

    Angelica Vidales

    April 30, 2019

    OK… this is the actual second post because Saffron’s is first.

    … and, I am leaving my comment because reading your blog has been on my to-do list for exactly two weeks now and now that I am here reading I wonder why I didn’t make time sooner.

    This entry makes me think of many things I want to share with you, most importantly:

    1) Have you read “The Secret”?
    -it was given to me when I was 20 and it might or might not be the reason why I am here now (in the U.S. living what I thought was only a dream when I was a kid). Now, if you have not read it I would be happy to lend it to you (I’m a bit of a bookworm and I am always offering books to strangers because people should/must really read some stories).

    2) Thank you for the Yoga/Youtube link. I have not gone to the gym in months because of a million reasons but this is definitely my baby step for this week 😀

    3) If you are ever interested in doing more than Yoga at home I found this amazing account on Instagram that also makes me want to cancel my gym membership because I would be doing a lot more at home thanks to this amazing woman : https://www.instagram.com/dmirgonfit21/?hl=en

    And lastly, your blog makes me think of my mother who I miss dearly day in and day out… today coincidentally it is “Children’s day” in Mexico, my hometown, and as I was writing she shared a picture on Instagram that she captioned as: “back to when my kids were what kept me going … Happy Children’s day” thanks to that I am no writing this and uncontrollably crying at my office desk because here is a secret: empty nesting is also hard on us children and even when you feel like we don’t need you (mothers) truth is we always do and you are what keep US going after we leave home, to make you proud is our ultimate goal, always.

    • Reply

      Jill

      May 1, 2019

      Hello again!
      I have not read The Secret. I will get it and read it. Thank you for the recommendation. My husband and I just read The 4 Agreements, again. Have you read that? It lays out some important rules to live by that I remind myself of often.
      I’m going to check out your exercise link. I get bored with exercise easily so variety is a good thing for me!

      I know how you feel about missing your mom. I missed mine when I went away to college and again when I moved far from home. I was so lucky to care for her for many years in my home until she passed away in July. I’m publishing a post tomorrow about her last few weeks before she passed. Don’t read it. It will make you sad for your momma. I cried and cried as I wrote it.
      Sending you a mom hug….xoxo Jill

      • Reply

        ANGELICA VIDALES

        May 1, 2019

        There are 3 things I am most passionate about in life:
        1: My dogs (all 5 of them)
        2: Books, and
        3: Food
        Specifically in that order, which is why I am enjoying your blog so, so much.

        The 4 Agreements is next on my reading list (which I could talk about for days) but I am currently reading the Story of B so in a couple weeks I should begin reading Don Miguel’s 4 agreements and the Mastery of Love; I haven’t decided which one to read first but maybe I will go with the first one.

        I know I didn’t mention the author of the Secret because based on what you wrote I was almost positive you had read it, but the author is Rhonda Byrne. I hope you like it, someone told me one there was a movie or documentary online (either on Netflix or youtube) but for me, books are always better.

        I know I will read your post, but in a couple weeks once I finish catching up, living away from my mom is a touchy feeling for me but I also sometimes like to see it from another perspective and I realize that if she hadn’t raised me to believe I could be exactly what I want to be (and am becoming) we would perhaps not have the relationship we have and I would not be able to appreciate so many other things I have been blessed with in my life.

        Best,
        Angelica V.

        • Reply

          Jill

          May 2, 2019

          Hi Angelica! Dogs are the best. I had 5 dogs and several other pets when my husband met me. I knew if he accepted my animal hoarding behavior, he was a keeper…haha!
          It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom. That is so great. She sounds like an amazing woman.

          I’m inspired by all your reading. My husband tells me that he thinks he has the book, The Secret. I’m going to hunt through his books and read that next. xoxo Jill

  5. Reply

    Alessa :)

    June 19, 2019

    Wow, this was truly so inspiring and lovely, I loved every sentece. I read this in my study break and it really helped me regain my strength to focus on what I want to achieve and that even the tiniest steps matter. Thank you!

    Moving to a different city on my own where I basically don’t know anyone, was difficult and since family is the most important thing to me, it felt and still sometimes does feel strange that I can only focus on myself now since no one else is around.
    That makes me wonder who I am when I am alone and what I want when I don’t have to think about the needs of others. There are many ways to get out of that doubting stage and you motivated me to find them. I will definitely check out the Yoga channel you like, I used to do Yoga with a friend but then the center closed and I’ve been looking for a way to pick it up again ever since.
    I hope you’ve been having a wonderful day and I can’t wait to read the next entry!

    Best wishes form Austria xx 🙂

    • Reply

      Jill

      June 20, 2019

      Alessa…I found it so difficult to focus on myself…I didn’t want to. I’d much rather focus on the people I love. I sometimes wonder if I was just being afraid because I had so much trouble figuring out what I wanted to do in life and I didn’t want to choose the wrong thing, so I avoided focusing on myself!

      I now know that the choices we make in school do not determine our entire life’s path. We can study one thing but then work in a completely different field! Keep searching your heart and really work hard on figuring out what you love. Don’t try to impress others with your choices. I did that and it just left me confused! Follow YOUR heart.

      I really love Yoga with Adriene. Try it out and tell me what you think.
      xo Jill

  6. Reply

    Jane Whalley

    September 23, 2019

    Jill I just want to say a massive thank you. My eldest son is moving out on Friday, I took early retirement in March 2019 and for last few weeks have absolutely 💯 felt all the emotions you are describing (unfortunately I’m week 6 of a broken arm so that’s not helping the situation). I’ve not been able to do my beloved yoga or running. I’ve had a deep sadness that I can’t explain to anyone (I’m 56 years old and currently have been feeling my life is over). I have a husband and another 20 year old son but am unable to explain how I feel). Yesterday I broke down and tried to explain to my husband exactly all the above you are describing and can’t believe I’ve found you this morning it’s like it’s meant to be. I’ve recently discovered Mel Robbins on YouTube and in desperation this morning just put into google Mel Robbins and empty nest and your wonderful post popped up. This could have been written for me and I just want to say thank you thank you thank you, you’ve given me hope in this tough time I’m having. I am now sure there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you’re able read this comment- much love and thanks Jane xx

    • Reply

      Jill

      September 23, 2019

      Hi Jane! Oh, how I feel your pain!
      Thank you for your comment. It’s always good to talk with others who can relate. I understand how hard it is to put your feelings into words. I struggle too. And…I still have those feelings. It is a constant work in progress for me.
      It’s so strange that we, at this age, (57 for me) feel like life is over. I felt like I’d come to the end of a road. I found myself staring out into an abyss of nothing…no roads left to take. So, for a bit I curled up and stared at the nothing in front of me. I’ve done so much soul searching trying to figure this out. In my case, and this may be your path too, my whole life I looked forward to raising kids and spent my time planning a career path and a home. That was all wonderful but it’s over now and I never spent any time, ever, thinking about this stage. Why? Nobody talks about this!
      There is so much life left to live. And, there are plenty of new roads to take…it is not an empty abyss ahead of us.
      I recently started following Chip Conley and he has a new movement called the Modern Elder. He talks about the value of the wisdom we have at this age and how we need to share it with the younger generations. He also points out that we have about half of our adult years left. Think about that; if we live to 90 years old, we have a heck of a lot of time to reinvent ourselves and start a whole new us! We can be whoever we want to be.
      My dilemma now is that I have spent my whole life pleasing others, taking care of others, etc so I have never really figured out what I love, what I want to do and what I’m good at! I’m really struggling to figure this out. I recently decided that I’m going go all the way back to childhood and analyze why I am the way I am so I can break any unhealthy patterns that I’m stuck in. Maybe then I will really be able to find what I love and what I will do next.

      Writing this blog and hearing from people like you has really helped me through this. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It has been a busy summer, so my writing has slowed down, but I plan to share more about my path of digging deep and climbing out of this lost place I have found myself in. I hope you’ll follow along and share your thoughts too.

      Sending you lots of love, support and sisterhood. You are not alone.

      Xoxo Jill

  7. Reply

    Jane Whalley

    September 24, 2019

    Oh Jill thank you once again- I resonate with your reply 100% – I have found you just at the right time and you could have just saved me from going slightly crazy so thank you and I would love to follow along going forward – I love how you’ve signed off “you’re not alone”.
    All the best Jill and much love xxx

    • Reply

      Jill

      October 8, 2019

      Hi Jane:
      I just posted about one of my obsessions…party throwing. I think I create ridiculous, elaborate parties to distract myself from myself! You know, to keep my mind off the fact that I’m lost and feeling a bit directionless in this new stage of life, haha! I laugh, but it can be tough to deal with those thoughts, as you know. What do you do to occupy your time? Do you have hobbies?

      Lots of love . xoxo Jill

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