I allow the useless stuff to crowd my heart, pretend it doesn’t bother me and then I stuff it in a little side-pocket of my brain where it grows into unchecked nonsense.

As I gaze out the window on this early fall morning and watch the leaves drift from the trees, I’m reminded that I can let go of old definitions of myself which no longer suit me.

As the wind picks up and the leaves fall more forcefully, I’m reminded that I can shake the tree and actively lighten the load of clingy thoughts I’ve allowed to pollute my heart.

In fall, trees purge their leaves, their clothes, their identity…

slowly and reluctantly at first but then at full force to eventually stand naked revealing sturdy bones beneath.  Their clean slate emerges and quietly withstands the winter, preparing to rebuild anew in spring.

In my effort to live more consciously, I’m teaching myself to stop, reflect and observe how I feel about myself, outside influences and my patterns. I’m working on making deliberate decisions to keep my thoughts from going off on unhealthy tangents and I plan to stop clinging to old definitions of who I am. 

Like a tree, I vow to purge the dead leaves that have collected on my branches that are often stuck there for seasons even as new leaves grow, stuck there to grow mold and rot.

I vow to be flexible and brave.

Clear out the old. 

Feel the freedom of a clean slate.

Embrace change.

The quote from Mindset Therapy was this:

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

I’ve been there.  And it is interesting how alone and vulnerable you can feel when you get yourself into this situation. It is easier said than done…to rise above and deflect the pain. 

To stand alone

It requires great effort, grace, strength and reflection.

It must be done, for if you let your mind just do its thing, unchecked, it can create painful thought patterns that get out of control and take on a life of their own.

Just as the moss, leaf mold and fungi that grow on a neglected tree can eventually suffocate that tree, toxic thoughts stick in your psyche like dead leaves and infect your soul.

They also block and suffocate new growth.

My old pains have blocked me from finding my purpose.  They’ve left my brain foggy and crowded.  I’ve been unable to find “my thing”.

So, my friends, I’m going to start fresh, with a new path, new growth.  

As I work to shake the tree and clean off my branches, I have great hope that my clean bare branches will discover the most vibrant and fresh growth… 

And I will look to the beautiful, perfect, naked trees as my inspiration. 

Each day this fall and winter, I will take them in, see their strong symbolism as inspiration to purge and be ready to burst with life in the spring.

With both patience and determination, I’ll clear out the old and

Finally…

Find “my thing”

Dave and I are going on a retreat called “Enhancing Emotional Aliveness”. It’s Chip Conley’s organization called Modern Elder Academy.

No…not elderly.

An elder isn’t old. An elder is a person who is wiser, more experienced, less egoic and softer from all of life’s challenges.

Elders are cool

I’ll be doing some soul searching. I’ll let you know how it goes.

After all…

Charlie and Bailey have found their thing…

Hopefully I’ll find mine!

I’ll keep you posted. Lot’s of love, my friends! xoxo Jill

Here’s a little poem, I wrote…

Me and the Tree

She stands tall and majestic cloaked in shiny foliage
Proud and confident and beautiful and loved.
She sways gracefully in the wind noticing all who admire 
her exterior beauty

She weathers the storms throughout the years 
and endures a scar or two
But heals and carries on with her display of loveliness.
She revels in her beauty for she knows she is loved 
for her gorgeous shades of green.
 
 As fall approaches and her colors begin to fade, she clings tightly, 
 hoping to hang on to all that make her worthy.
 With the natural passing of time, her colors disappear
 Her branches have betrayed her. 
Her heart is filled with confusion.

She desperately holds onto the comfortable bits 
of the outer image that have served her well. 
She grips tighter to every last bit of foliage. 
But alas, she is naked. Not a leaf in sight.
 
In this season of winter she wonders: 
If her beauty is gone, how will she be loved?
What value does she bring this earth if not physical beauty?
Her branches droop, her leaves drop off, 
she stands still, exposed appearing lifeless
  
 Though her roots have grown deep and she is full of wisdom
 She feels she’s lost her value. 
 For her beauty has abandoned her.
 Her identify and worth are gone.
 
 Then sadness. Confusion.
 So focused on her exterior, she’s blinded to the truth.
 Her strength and beauty lie beneath that mask of bright colors.
 
When she surrenders to that 
which is completely out of her control, 
she slumps over in her sadness.  
Lonely.  Her fight is gone. 
She’s hopeless.
 
Still, she stand firm and solid in her roots. Her core.  
Her life earned wisdom. 
Though forced into this state of naked, raw, vulnerability 
she comes to learn, in time, that her beauty 
is greater than ever…

It has changed but it’s perfect.  
 
Her beauty is not the fragile leaves that come and go. 
Her beauty is her roots, her strong core, 
her wisdom from the years of standing on her own.

Her beauty is her far reaching loving branches 
and the seedlings she has given to the earth 
which sprout and grow 
and spread the love around her.
 
And now, in the realization that love is her strength, 
the glorious perfect tree stands stronger 
with her branches reaching far and wide 
for she is no longer stifled by the old leaves and old stories, 
she is free to be the perfect being that she is 
at this season of her life. 

Jill Baltzer