Feeling Old and Wrinkly…and trying to not feel ugly.

It’s such a dilemma.  On the inside I feel like a teenager but when I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror, I wonder who that haggard old lady is.   

Wrinkles really cramp our style…don’t they friends?

 If a face lift made you look like yourself, only younger, like your 20-something self, I may be tempted to try it.  But even then, after watching videos of doctors cutting people’s faces off and then re-stretching them, is so beyond horrifying that I’d be too chicken to succumb to the surgeon’s scalpel, even if the results would make me gloriously gorgeous!

Most people I know who have had facial surgery, now look like somebody else…and often they look quite bizarre.  No offense to those people who are brave enough to allow their face to be sliced off…just keeping it real.  I don’t like it.  It reminds me of when you’re a kid and you use your finger to slightly push your nose into a mini-pig face.  It’s hysterical!  And it completely distorts the way you look. 

Case in point…Renee Z is still beautiful but it doesn’t look like her anymore.

Another case in point…I mean she is much smoother but I think she looks better before and it doesn’t even look like the same emu…

I will admit that I have a few girlfriends who make surgery very tempting. They look fantastic. In fact maybe I am just being sour grapes since I’m too cheap to spend money on plastic surgery…However, in my gut, I feel like I would not have good results…I just know I would be the one who ended up looking like a freak!

So, surgery is not for this big chicken.

I’ve decided that my husband is just going to have to love me with all of my flaws.  I told him that he should stop getting his eyeglass prescription updated so he could just continue to see me through a lovely gaussian blur. That way, I will still look like the smooth-skinned high school beauty he remembers instead of the wrinkly old hag I’ve become.

(Side note…I just googled Old Hag and apparently there is an Old Hag Syndrome which might be more frightening to think about than a face lift.  Don’t google it unless you want to be horrified out of your wits)

Old Hag Syndrome

I especially hate neck wrinkles. 

It is seriously hard for me to look at my wrinkly neck.  I often sport turtle necks and scarves even in the summertime.  Do you think people are on to me?  Do you think they know I’m hiding my hideous turkey neck under my wool turtle neck in the Summer?

HATE HATE HATE, DOUBLE HATE…LOATHE ENTIRELY!

Grinch

Here’s a funny story about not growing old gracefully!

My girlfriends and I used to have a trick when taking pictures together.  As we lined up for a picture, we would discretely reach behind our necks and pull the skin as tight as possible to flatten out the crepe paper, gobble-gobble eyesore that was sabotaging the delusion that we were still in our 20’s!  It was quite effective, even if it made people wonder where our arms had disappeared to, and we always got a great smile out of it too! Not to mention bursting into laughter, after we heard the click of the camera, at the sheer absurdity of our antics!

So to capitalize on that innovative technique of neck smoothing, I had this great idea that I would invent a thin bandage type thing that you could tape to the back of your neck and just wear around town to fool everyone…sort of like a giant band-aid. (As if anyone besides me really cares if I have smooth neck…I know!) 

Genius, right?  I seriously thought I had dreamed this up and it was some new and brilliant idea.

One day, my sister Mitchie burst my bubble when she showed up with my genius invention, which someone else had stolen right out of my brain! 

Check This Out…

Here’s a news flash and a double bubble burst…apparently, this wrinkle tape stuff has been around since before Joan Crawford and Marlene Dietrich. Have I been living under a rock?  Where have I been?  Perhaps I haven’t been focusing on my beauty as much as I should.  I’m clearly way behind the times.

The truth is, this neck tape actually does the trick!  It gives you a nice tight neck, wrinkle free with no side effects. Well, no side effects other than ripping out the hair on your neck when you remove it and the devastation you feel when, after removal, your neck is back to its sag-fest. Plus, you have to make sure you don’t get too ambitious as you gather up your skin and pull it too tight on your throat making it difficult to swallow and even breath causing suffocation and death.

But, other than that, it’s a miracle worker.

Why do we care so much?  I mean at this age we’re not usually looking to attract a partner who doesn’t have the same turkey neck issues and, if we’ve already got our man, well… they’re stuck with us!

And girlfriends, wrinkles are not an illness.  They are just, let’s say… A New Look.  They’re little trophies we carry on our face to commemorate all the living we’ve done.

So, why do we fret?  We should embrace these glorious lines we’ve earned and worked for all our 50 plus years. Right?

No seriously…

Is there anyone out there who truly doesn’t fret about this? 

I would love to be this WOKE!

Woke
Using an improper word in an incorrect tense to attempt to attach some worldly signifigance to a person or object (books, screenplay, etc.) so that one appears to be “hip.” In actual fact, this usage shows one’s ignorance and inability to use words and feelings to express oneself properly.
A celebrity guest on Talking Dead used “woke” to describe the episode of The Walking Dead when elightened or relevant may have made better choices. Keep in mind that this is a fictional show about Zombies.
by August Strindberg May 13, 2018

I’m not that woke/enlightened. I still fret! I mean ego, vanity, self esteem, insecurity, blah blah blah…

Hmmmm… should I consider Botox again for my forehead wrinkles?  Maybe if I had a smooth forehead, no one would notice my unsightly and despicable neck wrinkles. 

PS, I wore that neck tape for this picture!

And Lucas, the photographer, blurred my forehead wrinkles for me.

Pretty good, right?

Still…WRINKLES!

Wrinkles…there is no answer.

In all seriousness, friends, I’m all over the place on this issue. As of right now…I’ve decided that I’m going to embrace growing old gracefully. I’m going to continue to eat healthy, exercise and do all the right things to be the best I can be without artificial means. The aging process should be so natural and I’m going to try not to fight it every step of the way.

Hopefully tomorrow I won’t change my mind in a moment of weakness!

I’d truly love to get to the point of being mentally ok with wrinkles. It is shallow and silly to even worry about it…definitely a “first world problem”. I found my own sweet 91 year old mom, beautiful and interesting. Look at her hands below. They have lived so much life. They tell a story. So, why can’t I feel that way about myself? It’s a struggle, but I’m going to get there.

Talk to me girlfriends…are you growing old gracefully or are you kicking and screaming the whole way? xoxo Jill