The perils of being a people pleaser…

My mom was so positive and happy to be alive, despite her circumstances, that, growing up, I would feel guilty if I ever complained about anything.  Feeling sorry for yourself was a sin in my household. If any discomfort stirred in my heart, I always sucked it up and shoved it away!

I adored and admired my mom. She had a rough life and yet she stayed positive and never complained.

She grew up during the great depression. Her mom died of Tuberculosis when she was 9.  my mom had polio when she was pregnant with the 2^nd oldest of her 5 children , which left her physically disabled for the rest of her life and she raised those 5 kids with an alcoholic husband.  She lost her beloved son to cancer and a beautiful grandson to suicide. And while some of those tragedies were mine to suffer through too, looking at all she had been through, made my issues paled in comparison and I felt that my sadness was unworthy of sympathy.

My strong mom was my greatest inspiration.  I inherited so many great traits from her and yet, I also learned and emulated unhealthy life habits.   She was tough. A trooper! I admired her strength. But that strength may actually have been unhealthy. Stuffing her feelings. Staying strong. Never allowing herself to break down.

Mimicking this behavior, I learned to rarely address my true feelings and I never stopped to evaluate the effect of traumatic life experiences. I learned to pick up the pieces and move on and try to forget. 

In my life, I forgot about me and put on a happy face to please all people all of the time, just like my sweet momma.

This is dangerous…trying to make everyone happy to the detriment of myself.  

The deep obligation I felt to please all, was a disaster in my life.  As they say, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” My good intentions got me into terrible, regrettable situations.  I put the need to please others and gain their approval high above my own wants, needs or desires.  In fact, I never really knew what I desired.  I was too busy trying to figure out what everyone else wanted.

I had a recurring nightmare most of my life.  It always had something to do with me being trapped, imprisoned and under complete control of a man and that man could read my mind.  So, I had to be careful not to displease or anger him.  I could do that…I was well-practiced at that, but the mind reading…that was scary. I had to be careful of what I thought or I’d be in horrible danger.  Anyway…It was a horrible recurring nightmare. I was powerless in the nightmare with no way out. 

As I reflect on that, and as I’ve gotten to know myself more and more, the dream makes absolute sense.  My compulsion to please, trapped me in my own mind.  It didn’t feel like a choice.  It felt like an obligation, a mandate that I had no power to control.  

I remember a life changing moment when I was in the depths of an awful, trapped situation. My deep desire to please had gotten me into a horrible place and I found myself stuck for years. I convinced myself there was no way out and that I just had to continue being an obedient little soldier. This, of course, pushed me into a deeper tangled web of lies and deceit.

The life changing moment happened after I spent months at the doctor trying to diagnose a horrible, painful rash all over my body. After many tests, the Doctor asked me about my stress level. I denied being stressed and insisted I was happy and cheerful and all was well. But I knew the truth and when I finally decided to be honest with myself, I stood in front of my mirror in my bedroom alone, stared into my eyes in my reflection and cried as I begged myself to be brave and set myself free, no matter what it cost me.

And it cost me, and others around me, a lot.

As I stared into the mirror, I was more fearful about what others would lose and the pain I would cause, way more than what I was going to lose, personally. That’s sad. Again…worried about pleasing others.

Where did this come from,  this poisonous people pleasing? Maybe it came from having an alcoholic father and trying to keep the peace.  Maybe it came from feeling lost in a large family with unusual family dynamics.  Maybe it came from being a gymnast where pleasing and perfection was what you worked toward all day, every day.  Maybe it came from being molested as a child, (yes, #METOO).  It’s hard to say, and it was most likely a combination of all the things.  At any rate, it molded me into a people pleaser. 

I don’t want to play the victim here.  In fact, I think there is a certain selfishness to being a people pleaser. After soul searching and digging deep, I realize I was seeking approval so that I would feel good about myself.  I wanted to be relevant. Maybe I felt lost in the shuffle of 5 kids. I wanted to be seen. Pleasing others did that for me.  

In life I found that I attracted the sort of men who capitalized on my people pleaser weakness.  And I had my share of psycho, narcissistic boyfriends.

Eventually I learned that pleasing people who you don’t want to please is not only unfair you, it’s unfair to them. It’s dishonest.  It’s weak.  While disappointing someone by turning down advances is difficult for the moment and may hurt them for a moment, it is much worse to play along without truly reciprocating feelings.  I was a good actress.  I acted a lot.  It sucked the soul out of me. I felt powerless.

Sometimes I would muster the courage to say no, hoping for a civilized answer in return, but the people I attracted always pushed to the next level. They exploited my weakness. They knew what buttons to push. I always reverted back to keeping the peace and digging myself deeper into disaster.

It has taken years to figure this out. I have confused myself my entire life. Why would I do things I didn’t want to do? The human condition is fascinating.

I feel fortunate that even though it’s so late in my life, I’ve taken a strong look at that apparent powerlessness that I’ve felt my whole life.  I know that I’ve never felt in charge of my life.  I’ve never felt like the star of my own show.  I’ve always felt that my purpose is to support others and please others without regard for myself. 

Did I behave this way because I didn’t know what I wanted out of life, or did I neglect to figured out what I wanted out of life because I was too busy trying to make others happy?

Well, I’m thankful that I’m paying attention now and even though the passion to please others is a behavior I attempt to squelch every day, I’m proud that I’m working on it.  I think I’ll always be a people pleaser, but at least now I think twice and make deliberate rather than unconscious decisions.  

Self-reflection seems to be a theme during this “shelter at home”, COVID19 crisis. Are you finding yourself doing a lot of self-reflection? Are you a people pleaser?  Has it served you or turned you into a hot mess-like me? I’ve only recently made these discoveries about myself. Can you relate? Talk to me girlfriends.

xoxo Jill