My Son is on a Billboard in Hollywood

For perspective on his odds, here’s the scoop, after scanning the internet for statistics on Actor unemployment rates, of the pool of 160,000 SAG members, (actors who have worked in the film industry enough to have earned their right to join the union), about 7% actually work.  (I could not find cut and dried statistics.  That is a guesstimate based on reading many articles.)  Give or take a few percentage points…success rate…not so great!

So, this journey is not for the faint of heart. Here’s a little peak into the fun!

The roller coaster ride…

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After knocking on doors and sending pictures and resumes to agents, recording endless amounts of audition “self-tapes” and getting a lot of rejection and people who laugh at his theater credits as though they don’t count…

A phone conversation with Gavin goes something like this… He is considering getting another job that he hates because the small parts he’s getting are nice and all but they’re not enough to pay the rent and he’s almost out of savings. This job would make it difficult to audition because auditions are at random times and they are hard to plan for. I try my best not to sound protective and practical like my own sweet mom did when I was trying to follow my dreams.  I don’t want to squelch his dreams.  I truly believe in him.  I believe he was born for this.

My advice goes something like:

“Gav, how many months of rent do you have left?  How close do you think you are to getting a part? What time of day are auditions?  How about being an Uber driver…oh, never mind, your car is not really safe for other humans.  Can you be a waiter at night?  Are most auditions during the day?  Do you want to come home and live for a while and try to get acting jobs in Oregon?” Etc etc.

This conversation happened now and then.  The norm.  The very scary norm.

And this “eeking by”, continued. Gavin would get down to the wire and he would still believe. He knew he could go out and get a side job but he was willing to sacrifice meals to keep the pursuit first and foremost, putting his craft first.

The next phone call from my sweet son, who is down to his last penny and living in a small 3 bedroom apartment in Burbank with 5 people, comes with eternal optimism in his voice,

“Mom, I’m on avail for a Criminal Minds recurring guest star role.” 

Doing my best to not sound skeptical or protective like my sweet mom always did,

“Wow, Gav.  That is so exciting!  Ok.  What does “Avail” actually mean, again?

(I say “again” because he has been on avail several times before.  FYI…Avail is that heart wrenching, “you’re almost there” down to the last wire, just THIS close to making it and then…

“It means I’m down to the last few people who are up for the part.  They check with everyone who made it to their favorites list to see who is available for the shoot dates.”

So with a balance of encouragement and practicality in my voice I say:

“Love, I am so proud of you.  Even if you don’t get this part, that is really amazing.  It means you have the talent and now it’s just about if you mix well with the other actors cast in the show, right?  So, be proud of yourself and…”

I was about to say, “don’t get your hopes up”, because I want to protect him from the pain of being this close and not getting the part.  It is painful.  For him.  For me.  For all of us who love and support him.  I start to say that because it is exactly how my sweet mom protected me.

I bite my tongue off…

“You got this baby!  If it’s not this one, it will be the next one.  I believe in you.  We all do.  Hang tough.”

I hang up and my heart races from excitement and from the possibility that my poor baby, who is working his ass off, might have his hopes squashed again.  Then I remember that he doesn’t get his hopes squashed.  That’s MY inner voice, not his.  Gavin is resilient and brave and, most importantly, he believes in himself.  He knows that this is what he does, what he is meant to do, what he loves.  And, it’s do or die for him.  So, he fights, and he fights and he hangs tough and knows in his heart he will make it …someday. 

Man…I love this boy of mine.  I so admire his determination, his tenacity, his strength, his hard work, his passion.  His fearlessness.

Another phone call goes like this:

“Mom, I’m going to volunteer at a writer’s workshop.  It’s where writers bring their new stuff and actors, act it out for them so they can see how it looks, live.  

“That’s a great idea love.” 

I think to myself that my son who has no money is volunteering his time.  Then I reframe and think, this is a great learning experience and it’s like a free acting class. 

Another call,

“Mom, I really want to take this acting class.  It’s one of the best in LA and you have to audition for it.  I auditioned and got in but it’s $$$$$. 

I say, “Do you think you can swing it financially?”

And so it goes….hopes up, hopes down, panic, excitement, protective mode, encouragement…BELIEF!

Next call, I say,

“How you doing, love?”  He says, “I’m heading out for a non-union commercial audition and then I have a couple more auditions in the afternoon.  I got the part for that one short student film but there’s no pay.”  “Oh, are you going to do it,” I ask.  “I think so.  I like the script.”  “Well that’s awesome love”, I say as I think to myself, my poor, sweet son is volunteering again even though he isn’t eating.

“Did you eat anything today?”  “No.  I’ll get something later.”

We Facetime later and I see that he’s skinny.  Ugh.  I want to rescue him.  Send him money.  Tell him to come home. I don’t.  He can do this.  He’s resilient.

“Have you heard anything about that Netflix part?”  I choke on the words because I know that, if he had heard any good news, he would have told me already.  He says, “I think they went another direction.  (heart drops) I was too “dark and edgy” to play the part of Harvey Kinkle. 

I try not to sound discouraged for him.

  “Oh, bummer…well, there will be other parts and remember, you should be really proud that you made it this far…..”  choke -choke -choke.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve said that before.  Always getting down to the end and then just missing it.  If that was me, it would have kicked my ass.  I would have given up, gotten practical and gotten a job that I hate. 

But not Gav.  Trust. Believe. Fight. Work. Grind.

A week later,

“Hey Mom, you know that Netflix show that I auditioned for…well, they want me to audition for another part.  It’s a darker character.”

Here we go again…roller coaster ride…

“Oh wow…that’s cool.  Did they call you in specifically or is your manager just sending you out based on a breakdown?”    Gav says, “They called me in specifically.  They remembered me and thought I was a good fit for this other part.  It is a smaller role.  It’s not a series regular. It’s a Guest star role but I mean it’s Netflix/Warner Brothers so I’m stoked to be remembered and requested.

“Gav, that is so awesome.  One step closer, right?”  I say this as I try not to get my hopes up for him and I try not to protect his heart and be a voice of reason by saying, “now don’t get your hopes up…”

Roller coaster, up, down, flat, up-up-up, plummet down, down, down, flat, flat, flat and then…

Next call:

“Mom, remember that audition for Nicholas Scratch.  For that Sabrina Netflix show?  You know, the darker character? 

“Oh ya…I think I remember”, (Of course I remember.  I’ve been wondering, hoping, waiting, praying, hoping, hoping, hoping, praying….)

“I’m on Avail”…

Here we go again…and my line is:

“Love, I am so proud of you.  Even if you don’t get this part, that is really amazing.  It means you have the talent and now it’s just about if you mix well with the other actors cast in the show, right?  So, be proud of yourself and…”

Heart racing, heart racing. 

Hold breath for, what seems like weeks. 

Never ask Gav about it because if he had good news he would call me…

Phone call…

“Mom…are you sitting down?  Where are you?”  “I’m in the garden love.  Sitting here looking at all the flowers coming to life in my cottage garden. “

“Mom…I got it.”

Speechless.  Tears.  Squeals.  Gratitude.  Tears. Gratitude.  Pride.  Love. Pride. LOVE

He made it.  From nothing to everything.  From hanging on for dear life to thriving with the best.  From not eating to living like a king. From patching up all the little and big heart breaks to his heart bursting with joy. 

From feeling like nobody to being somebody. 

From having under 1,100 Instagram followers to half a million.

And then his premiere…we walked into his fancy hotel suite where he’s surrounded by stylists, make-up artists, and tailors fitting him into an Yves St Laurent suit.  We watched him put on a watch that would have fed his poor starving actor tummy for a year, at least.

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As I sat on the fancy couch in the fancy hotel suite, I gazed teary-eyed at my sweet boy in this atmosphere.  It was stunning.  He made it like we all hoped/ knew he would.

Then we watched as he was driven in a limo to the premiere event for The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina where photographers and fans bombarded him.  We stood back and watched him get out of his limo and handle it all with grace.

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Then we sat in a room full of his co-stars and work-mates and watched the premiere. He reached for my hand as the lights dimmed and the show started. We looked at each other in the dark of the room and “checked in” with each other.  Neither of us spoke.  We looked into each other’s eyes and cried.  GRATITUDE.

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This is how it goes, this roller coaster ride. It’s not for the faint of heart.

I know it’s similar for all of us parents no matter what line of work our kids are in.  We hope for them.  We ache for them.  We love them.  We want to protect them.  It’s always a roller coaster.  Maybe not quite as crazy as the acting world…with its highest highs and the lowest lows.

Through all of this…with all that Gavin has gained in this first year of “making it”, he still just really loves the work.  He is happiest when he is on set acting.  The IG followers, the fame, the money, the attention, the accolades, the sycophants…it’s all fine and good. But the work is what he really loves.

Set is his happy place

Studying a script or on set filming, that is where he is most at home.  He loves the crew, the cast, the collaboration, the camaraderie.  He knows everyone’s name.  He knows that the entire team matters.  Not just the stars or the director or the people with power but the entire crew make this magic happen.  He respects each and every person from hair and wardrobe to craft services to his fantastic manager to fellow cast mates to his driver.  He is always expressing his gratitude for this team of people surrounding him. 

And he expresses his gratitude for us, his family, for always believing in him.

Now I hope and pray and hope and pray that he never, never, never loses that humility, gratitude, love.  I hope and pray that Gavin always stays Gavin.  I know it will be tough.  It’s difficult to not get spoiled and it’s easy to take things for granted. 

There’s this Billboard in Hollywood…

And this one in Times Square, NYC

Now, instead of building him up, I want to keep him grounded.  I want to say, “Gavin, don’t get too big for your britches.”  But I bite my tongue off.  Gavin is a good egg, through and through.  I believe he will stay that way.

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And if he doesn’t…I’ll put him in a time-out because he will always be my baby boy. 

To read about Chloe and her crazy curls CLICK HERE!